i wish i was peter pan.

this may be a corny sappy sad guilt post.. but its mine, and here it goes.

sometimes.. i feel like i put in a lot of effort into something. Every little bit that i have. I put in all of my thought. because when i do something i like to do it right. and i dont like to mess up. eventually i do mess up.. because thats the way things go. but im sure everyone has their experiences that they put in everything they have and give up all that they can for something they want, or want to see happen.. and then it feels like its all gone to waste.. because no one else wants to put in that effort and no one else even wants to hear what you have to say. and then you have something good, and you of course.. ruin it. you screw it up. its what i do. everything positive in my life, it cant be positive.. no i have to turn it into something bad because i will over think every situation..and every good outcome of something and make it upsetting.

when i talk about change .. i made a few huge changes this year... the year is almost over and look where i am.. back right where i started. I hate it.. its like running on a treadmill.. btw i hateee running on those stupid things. your running and your putting in all this effort but getting no where or nothing done. ive been trying and trying and attempting to change.. and im getting absolutly no where.. if anything more behind. i dont want to go to school i dont want to grow up. i dont want anything. everyone wants to get out.. but i want to stay. im scared. and freaking out. i think i know everything about everything and i should have this plan which i know i dont have to.. but .. im freaking out.

i dont want to grow up. i want to be SIMPLY happy with one thing. something that when im down i can go back to it.. and be just mellow .. i want something i cant screw up. i want something im good at.. and something that makes me feel good doing it..

find me a hobby or something.

so sometimes.. i forget my passwords to things because they dont accept my every day password that i use for everything else, but no fears i wrote it down this time. so maybe now.. if i dont loose it, you guys wont get to terribly behind on my life.

i sat down and read some blogs today.. and like my last post most all my friends are worried about the same things as me.. im guessing that this is a good thing.

so today i worked a double shift at dakotas. and i didnt even really mind it, i enjoy getting a pay check because i feel like im not bumming money off of my parents as often as i normally do. and i feel like i actually acheived something by myself. its very satisfying.. even though we hardly do anything at work. but i like it there and its nice to have a job i am not feeling like dieing every time i go into work. thats the type of job that i want when im older..

okay so on to something maybe half way important or maybe not important at all. i know everyone and their mother loves greys annatomy but... i have been reading some of the quotes and really listening. and i really think they are amazing.

Meredith Grey: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying

that was really long sorry. but i love it. it is just some silly tv show... that girls can go crazy over because its whatever.. but its real. what she is saying is real. im always so afraid to move on, or change.. i fear being wrong or being told that i have made a mistake. i know i make them but i try to at least cover up what i have done..and she has this other quote about change and how you cant avoid it...i couldnt find it... but change.. all of my friends are changing.. im changing.

everyone keeps talking about how its just a big horrible deal, because people are changing but i have news for you .. it isnt. even if its a bad change i think its still going to be okay. because.. if at one point in your life you want to change so much, that you actually go and do it.. then it shouldnt be a regret later on in life because at one point you really wanted that out of yourself. sure others may worry about you, but change.. do it! its good for you. i think until we experience everything we can be we wont really know who we really are. this is probably just a bunch of rambleing and it maybe doesnt even make sence. when god hands you something or you ask him for something he is basically going to throw it into your face a way to challange you with it. and thats fine.. im glad at the challanges he gives me.. but you see lately i have been acting how i want to. i know it should be how god wants me to.. and thats been bugging me lately but.. ive been so focused on helping myself rather then others because .. thats what i always seem to do.. i have ignored what god has wanted.. because i have put all of my wants and needs in front of him.

and honestly i think thats what makes me human.
this was completly random but.. its just whats been on my mind..all at once.

future-rama

i decided to get a blog on this site. why, because this is where everyone else has one. and no one ever reads mine, because to be honest i can hardly find it. I never read blogs. but this morning i started at 9am, and lost track of time and it was 11 when i finally stopped. Unfortunlly i dont believe my blog will be as insightful or good for that matter but i can give it a try.
today is thanksgiving. i hate thanksgiving. i am thankful for things but! i hate family get togethers. because i just sit there. and have my grandma give me yet another shape magazine. she is a hairdresser cosmotoligist or whatever you call it.. so she tries to be nice and help out.. but it feels more of like a to-do list. its happened my whole life though, so i tend to just not let it bother me. Um, she gave my mom and dad their christmas present the other day, and its to help pay off some of our house.. so i can go to college. it was really a huge suprise to me, i guess it just goes to show you some people have different ways of treating you. (btw i dont just love her because she is paying off some of our house)
speaking of college. its soon. so soon. no one in my grade wants to be a senior anymore. they all want to leave. they say "i cant stand waverly" well i used to always say that but the other day i sat down and thought about it.. i can hardly imagine myself anywhere else. i have grown up at River Valley.. i have been going there since maybe the 3rd grade. I have built some of the strongest relationships there. I have all of my best friends here, and my family. They will be in my life around me financially but, besides the every so often call here and there..they wont. I am a big ole' daddy's girl all the way. I tell my dad everything. And every afternoon when i come home from school he has lunch fixed..and so on.. its really a nice system we have worked out. I want to strengthen me and my moms relationship a bit before i leave. due to we hardly have one.

im a senior. and ive always been told to not focus so much on the future.. but then why is everyone making me focus so much lately.. any thought?